hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
