and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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