She is in my trunk
only you would photoshop your dick
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
