Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
