so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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