I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
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