mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
