used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
