The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
