i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
