Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
