Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
