I wish my penis had an off switch
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
