Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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