Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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