Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
someone owes me an orgasm
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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