is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
