you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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