I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
