in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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