... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
