I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
