...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
