How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My hand turned me down
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
