Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize