i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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