I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
