Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
