I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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