I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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