She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize