Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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