How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
