Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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