so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
