Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
