hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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