hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
