turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
