Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
