I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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