Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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