i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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