Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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