You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
