haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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