Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
