hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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