I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
