Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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