Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
