i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
