i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
