break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
