The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
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