Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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