he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
