Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
