We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
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