those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
