My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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