do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
